took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize