I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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