I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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