I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
