If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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