Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
