Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
