A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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