Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
