i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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