I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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