Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
