just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
