omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You smell like stripper and shame
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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