i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
