I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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