tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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