So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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