this boner is exhausting
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
