the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
