Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
