First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
