Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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