GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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