No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I love you.
Bad choice
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
