Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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