we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
