i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
