Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
