Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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