well I can't set my house on fire every night
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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