I think my fart just growled at me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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