On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Dicks are not precious.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
