before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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