so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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