Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
