i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
