He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
