i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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