happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
