My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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