Your tits are I can't wait for
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
