when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
