I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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