4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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