I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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