I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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