Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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