you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
