She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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