why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
