my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
