I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
