My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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