I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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