Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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