I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
