I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
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He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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