I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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