I think i peed on brittanys purse
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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