Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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