Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize